Mommy Guilt

I think every parent...mommies especially...wrestles with guilt.  It's the guilt of feeling you're not there enough for your child, or that you're not doing enough to educate your child, or that you're not providing your child with enough fun experiences.  Warranted or not, feeling this guilt is part of being a parent.

Beyond this typical guilt, I tackle many more fears of inadequacy...and I know I'm not alone.  Being the parent of a special needs child is not easy.  There have been many studies conducted regarding the divorce rates among parents of children with disabilities.  Some may be exaggerated, but there's no doubt that raising a special needs child is stressful on a marriage.  It can either drive you apart or bring you closer than you ever could have been before that child was born.  Luckily, Perry and I fall into the latter category.

It's easy to look at Natalie's beautiful smile and be so thankful that she has brought so many wonderful things into our lives.

What's not so easy is remembering the circumstances of her birth, and wondering if I could have done more to keep her inside for longer than 28 weeks.  

Maybe if I hadn't walked from the bed to the bathroom so much while on bed rest, the cervical stitch would have held longer.  Maybe I was the one who passed on the virus that caused her to get so deathly ill in the NICU.

And maybe I should have been more aware that the cervical stitch wasn't the cure for us after losing our first child.

Not to take away from the wonderful care Natalie received at Trinity by an amazing staff, but what if we had elected to have her in Minneapolis instead of Minot from the very beginning?  We would have had quicker access to the treatment that saved her life.  Would that have made a difference?

Then there's the guilt of watching your child go through surgery.  Natalie's NICU roommate in Minneapolis has just finished his 19th surgery in his six years of life.  NINETEEN!  Can you imagine what it must be like for Carter and his parents?  

I am so thankful for the beautiful little girl Natalie is today, but she deals with seizures and spasticity.  It's not easy to witness.

I often think about how different Natalie would look if she were able to walk and talk.  What would her voice sound like?  I CANNOT wait until the day we meet in heaven and I can see her as a child without any disabilities, and she can SEE me.  I want her life to be pain-free.

My current guilt is regarding having another child.  Will this take away from my time with her?  She always has to be my #1 priority in life.  I'm her primary caregiver and likely will be forever.  I'm glad she will have brothers who will be there if something ever happens to me or Perry, but the fact is, she is like a newborn, too.  I just have to keep my head up and believe that this is what is best for her, and we're lucky that we can even have children brought to full term now.  It has all happened for a reason.  

Okay, enough guilt for today.  I'll save the rest for another day!